Music

"Do you think Music is so important to connect with another person?" He asked.

I said with a troubled voice " yes it is, but it can't be so fundamental of a relationship. I mean, preferences can be distinct, but a possibility of keeping mixed playlist will connect two more right?" 

Those dawns with him were so messy but so romantic. A techie person inspired by "Oh Maria Oh Maria" playlist created a pagoda with a creative writer who was fond of Arijit Singh. But the careless mornings with these two distinct combinations were so delightful. 

He never liked my so-called romantic love songs but after every fights the ball used to be in my court. My favourite song with double cheese burst pizza and Bira boom. Everything used to be so perfect. I barely said thanks to him because he was mine. His boring stupid songs, which I used to hate was also my own.

Today, in his scarcity, with the same song, same beer and same cheese burst farmhouse pizza, don't attain the exact happiness. I try to connect myself with his playlist. It never helps me to slow down my heart beats rather make me fall for those moments again and again.

"So yes, music is essential but the connection of two souls is more crucial to possess a harmony in a relationship."

First rain

Today it was raining, after so long. I just opened the door to hear the pitch of raindrops hitting the soil. Suddenly, I remember the day, we met for the second time. It was 2'o clock and got a message can we meet today? "Mausum suhana hain, bike ride pe chale?" this sentence of yours made me excited. It was my first bike ride in Delhi. 

I left from office with a smile on my face. Board into the metro and got down to MG Road metro station. Honestly, speaking was a bit nervous though. I am a bit introvert so I take time to open up. But I somehow managed to prepare myself throughout the journey, that how to greet you without revealing my awkwardness. I came out but as usual, after your guidance, I took time to find you. You were crouching on your bike but due to your helmet, I couldn't recognize you. 

"Hey, how are you?" You asked. 

Very cautiously I answered " great, what about you"? After this conversation, we began with our 2nd unofficial date towards riders cafe. You told me, that somehow it is one of your favourites. We spent the eve with so many talks, laughs, sharing thoughts and yeah maybe confirmed each other for the next meet.

The day was exactly the same as it was today after the rain. With the note of raindrops, I found you in my heart again.

I miss you, my dear friend.

Date

It was Saturday. 

My first date with him. I was a little nervous because this time I wanted the relationship to work out. I knew him from the beginning days of Rajasthan. A hilly tribal belt of Rajasthan was not very livable for me. Due to the heat, my skin became brownish yellow, with rough curly hair and using scooty for 500 meters caused visible fats in my body. 

I took a bus from my place and reached chetak circle, Udaipur after completing the journey of 2 and a half hours. Suddenly, my phone rang and it was him. "Hey, I just reached. Where should I come". I asked with my anxious voice.

He said, " ok book a cab and put the location of Fateh Sagar lake."

I did the same and reached there by 30 minutes. It was a 5'o clock in the evening and the lake wowed me. The waves of the lake were actually kissing the mountains while evolving into reddish-orange due to the sunset. I opened my phone camera and tried to capture a photo. But I couldn't. 

He was standing there just in front of the Payel food store. We had a friendly hug and stayed quiet for 2-3 minutes I guess. He knew from our telephonic conversation, that I'm a little socially awkward person. So by respecting the fact he started talking. We ordered some spicy noodles and the famous cold coffee.

We talked a lot, I mean he was enquiring about my new life here in Rajasthan and I was actually answering his question or was just behaving like a good listener. 

He whispered you are not getting late right? I said obviously no. Deeply inside I was murmuring" dude I am here for us, and I would love to stop the moment". 

I was looking at him, how good he speaks, the way he was sharing his experience was eased down my worries. I never had the kind of date before. I was enjoying the butterflies in my stomach. I pinched myself, I always fantasised my date would be special. A special place, different ambience and with a reasonable and smart gentleman. It was actually happening. Honestly, while thinking about these things, I got distracted. He pinched me and asked, " dude are you here with me?" I replied cluelessly "yes". He just held my hand and kissed on my left cheek." Honestly speaking it was a very friendly gesture from his side, I also didn't feel awkward.

He smiled and said " I know you. You get bored with my stupid philosophy. So tell me are we dating?" 

Honestly, I got numb. What the fuck he is asking. Are we really dating? Am I dating this man with so much intellect and love for me? I got lost, I stayed quiet. I felt my butterflies are moving continuously in my stomach. I closed my eyes and requestioned him " are we?"

He laughed and said, "I guess so."

I won't say we are still dating but my first formal date was so amazing and extraordinary.

Anxious

Have you ever felt a storm inside you?

Have you ever hugged your pillow on your chest to stop that storm?

Have you ever prayed to god, please stop the heaviness?

I felt all together yesterday. I just grabbed my quilt and pressed my chest so badly to stay calm but I couldn't.

I tried to practice my newly excavated breathing routine, but it didn't work out. I stood more scared, worried about the situation. Voice in my head we're continuously provoking me to acknowledge my failures. Everything coming in my head was negative, about relationships, career, family, health etc.

I was getting deep into the numbness, but a small massage from my promising companion helped me get out of the situation. 

A ray of hope hit me, that what if I never sensed the first touch of love, what if I never felt how it feels when for the first time you get noticed by someone, what if I have never got any compliment on my eyes, lips, curves.  What if I never went through the pain of being ditched or being treated like an owned product. What if I never resisted the pain of heart tears. It would be harder to enter somewhere without having experience.

These incidents made me more of a person, who I am today. I am more aware of me and my needs. I am privileged. 

Suddenly, the storm broke off in me, it was such a relief. We need to analyse our lives, yes somehow in the era of the internet, social media, we are a lot more lonely as compared to our friend list but rather compromising with your emotion, take a deep breath and think twice.

Voice

VOICE!

What is voice, I actually discovered it today after watching the stupid video you send me 2 months back. Everything was fine in that video but the moment I heard the part of your voice, suddenly some nerves weaken down inside. A numbness provoked my senses to become stagnant for a time being. I couldn't hear you, I couldn't feel that happiness I used to have after imagining your voice. I know you are only in my memories now, memories saved in my brain, soul, and the fucking phone gallery. It's difficult to get used to it because now your voice became rare to hearken. The irony of human life is, the result of less supply and increase in demand leads to scarcity. I am into that phase. I am having the pain of being so impoverished without you. I'm still not begging but yes your voice just speeded up my heartbeat at 10:30 pm and dragged me into the memory lane of ours.

Finally

Finally, the day is hereafter one week of your decision to get unlocked from each other. I am eventually realising you are no more in my life. Just after the lunch break, a sudden storm shook me from the bottom of my heart. A continuous pain is nodding me from the nucleus of my body. In this whole week, I was in nausea, a ray of hope was caressing my brain, my heart, my kidneys that you will understand and appreciate my feelings for you. Though you appreciated and that is why you chose to free me to live my life. You couldn't bear to see me shattering all the time when you couldn't reach my expectation. You couldn't see me getting angry when we talked after 5 fucking days. You couldn't see me crying alone when you failed to show your affection. I'm lucky that I fall for a guy who cares for me so much that he freed me from all these. But still, something is shoving me from the core. 

Yes, I am not in love with but it's a stupid feeling that is freaking me out.